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Come home to me…

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Wrapping things up here.. before I go. For anyone who happens to stumble upon this blog. No matter how hard the road gets keep moving forward. Don’t let life struggles effect your ability to get back up, smile, and love with all your heart. Most importantly don’t let anyone limit how much you care for them.. be thankful that you have that ability. There will come a day when you will find that someone who will appreciate it, opens up their heart to it, even if its something they aren’t used to.Some dreams keep on getting better Gotta keep believing if you wanna know for sure” 

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damn just when I thought I was making some progress with things I fall back into the same patterns. Except this time it’s dif at least. I guess I should explain what brought me here. Today I was working in the 650’s wing of the ICU. Just as I was about to wrap up my day I look up from the nurses station and notice that there was a frail elderly man making his was down the hall. just the nature of his gait.. the shuffling of his feet, the way his hat was pulled down over his eyes i could tell something wasn’t right.. as he approached the station I asked if there was anything I could help him with. He looked up at me with eyes so blue and filled with tears and he shook his head no. I then insisted he at least take some tissues, as I handed him a few kleenex the tears start to cascade down his face. I again asked if he was sure there wasn’t anything I could do for him. He sobbed and muttered “no, she isn’t going to make it”. “who isn’t going to make it” I asked and he responded in between sobs “my wife the doctor said she wasn’t going to make it she’s 97”. At that moment my heart ached for him… I walked around my desk and just hugged him for the longest time as he finally succumbed to his emotions . Here in front of me stood a man who’s world was about to change drastically. The woman he’s loved for decades was slipping away from him…and this time there was nothing he could do. It was her time and there was no fighting with fate. Which brings me to the actual reason why I am writing this. Although she’s closed the door on our relationship a big part of me wants to just tear it back down… and if i could i would stand in front of her i’d kiss her and hold her give her all the reasons why she shouldnt give up on us.. theres a reason why she still consumes my every thought and dream. A reason why i’m STILL at a constant war with my head and my heart. Why I write these blogs in hopes that she would read them… But one thing that I’ve truly come to understand is that love/relationships are not selfish and you cant force some one to be with you. I just hope that one day she finds some one who sees her the way that I do and treats her they way that she should be…she deserves that much. Idk its a hard pill to swallow and its so much easier said than done. Her happiness is what matters most to me even if it means letting myself fall apart. I really should take a break from everything/others for a while and wait for the dust to settle. Goodnight. 

-joi

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whoops probably should get on dis

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"Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
Ain’t gotta ask you what’s wrong
Ain’t no reason running after something already gone
Take off your leavin’ dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got their way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try"